December 30, 2012 by vicariouslythroughwords
In this struggle we have to find out who we are or more specifically in the struggle I am having in discovering whom I am, I continue to find my flaws. I would assume it’s the same for all of us to find more and more flaws with in ourselves. For me in particular I’ve known and rediscovered how I strive to be or look as though I am perfect. But, aren’t those people annoying? Perfect people just get on your nerves because we see it as never being able to measure up, never being good enough. Enough, I’m never enough.
I’ve defiantly known for a while how I am faulted for trying to be perfect (focus your attention on “trying”). It seems a little ironic for perfection to be a fault, but what I’ve begun to realize is that this perfection I’m seeking changes. It’s never the same perfection. I guess I’ve always thought of perfection as being this one thing to aim for, but I’ve come to realize for me it changes with in the situation I am currently in. At work I need to be this perfection, at home I need to be that perfection, with family or friends and even random people I meet I need to be all kinds of other perfections. It’s a never-ending daunting task, which is very tiresome and very confusing.
In the fuss of it all I tend to forget who it is I am trying to be or more so in whom I actually am. I’m tired. This is completely draining. Being perfect kind of sucks. It’s got to stop, but how? How can I stop wanting to be perfect all the time? This question just leads to more questions. Is this perfection I am aiming to be at in these different settings bettering myself or hiding who I really am? If I’m not this person in whom I’ve tried to be for so long will people see this change and not like me? What if they see it as me being fake? Have I been fake or just a different version of myself? AaaaAAAaaahhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH . . . . Does it end?
Ok, stop being a drama queen.
Another problem I have, over thinking or analyzing every possible situation. I tend to over think the things I can’t control instead of taking control over what I can. So this is what I need to do. (At least what I’ve come up with so far)
GET RID OF THE INSANE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU NEED TO BE DIFFERENT TYPES OF PERFECT FOR WORK, HOME, FRIENDS, SCHOOL, FAMILY AND OTHERS, which TURNS YOU INTO FALSE PERSONA(s) OF YOURSELF.
What I need to claim and strive to do is be the best possible me who isn’t perfect all the time. Who messes up and doesn’t see it as failure, but takes the opportunity to learn from it. I need to not assume everyone wants me to be perfect and will look down on me when I’m not. If I want to be relatable I have to be able to BE relatable and perfection is not relatable. I need to stop projecting these ideals of perfection that I think others want or need from me. If I think perfect people are annoying then why would I want to be annoying?
I do think that we all have to be different parts of ourselves for different aspects of our life and believe God created us masterfully in a way in which we can be who we need to be in different situations. That doesn’t mean I need to change who I am, but use who I am, the me God created me to be.
In my discernment of this discovery of myself and in trying to overcome and process this crazy projection I’ve put on myself, I ran across an article while writing this blog titled, Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect. I don’t typically read certain articles from particular websites, but will either run across them or be in search of certain topics and found this one on CNN Living, by Dr. Brené Brown.
A quote from the article that really touched home for me, “The root of the word courage is cor — the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” This is what I think I’m afraid of and why I seek for perfection that isn’t myself. To be completely honest, I am too scared to be completely honest. I don’t mean I am lying or making up stories, but I am incapable of revealing my full self. I not only have a hard time sharing because I’m afraid of judgment, but I also struggle with organizing my thoughts and can’t come out with what I’m actually feeling. I desire to have this kind of courage. The kind where I feel free to speak my mind and share my heart because I know to whom I share it with will care for me because of me not because of what I am saying, thinking or feeling. In order for me to do this I must STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT, because PREFECTION IS REDICULOUS, you aren’t the Messiah who was fully human and fully God. Only God can be God and only you can be you and “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” (Dr. Seuss) And God created you to be you not the perfection you, I think I need to be.
“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.”
So here I come again
Crawling on my knees
Trying to comprehend
Who I am supposed to be
Lord, please comfort me.